Talking with relatives and friends about selective mutism

Share a short accurate explanation

You might say: “Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder. They can speak in some situations and may be unable to speak in others. The difference is not a choice. We are helping them build communication skills across settings.” Add only the personal information the individual or family is comfortable sharing.

Explain what helpful interaction looks like

Encourage adults to greet the person normally, include them in activities, and accept the communication methods in the current plan. Comments about a shared activity can be easier to join than a series of direct questions. When asking a question, use one manageable question and allow time for a response.

Name what to avoid

Ask people not to demand a greeting, bargain for speech, comment publicly when speech occurs, compare siblings, or describe the person as rude or stubborn. Do not arrange a surprise performance or speaking opportunity. Adults should not turn every social event into treatment practice.

Give a specific role

A relative might play a familiar game while a caregiver remains nearby. A coach might accept a hand signal for a break and provide the practice plan to one designated staff member. An activity leader might let the person check in with a card or written name. Specific roles are easier to follow than general advice to make the person comfortable.

Protect the person’s privacy

Ask who may receive the explanation and how much detail is needed. Older children, teens, and adults should help decide the wording. If someone ignores the plan or continues to shame the person, it is appropriate to limit their role and choose a safer communication partner.

Update relatives and activity leaders when skills or supports change. A brief written summary can keep the message consistent across adults.

A message you can adapt

“Selective mutism affects access to speech in some situations. Please include Jordan in conversation and activities without requiring a spoken answer. Jordan may point, write, or respond through me using the plan we agreed on. If you ask a question, please ask once and give time. We will let you know when there is a specific practice step you can help with.”

A short message is often enough. Add practical details for the setting, such as the signal for a break, how to check in, or who to contact. Avoid sharing diagnostic history, treatment details, or a speaking goal that the person does not want discussed.

Plan for family and community events

Before an event, tell the host what participation may look like and identify a quiet place or trusted person if useful. Decide whether greetings, meals, photos, games, or goodbyes need a plan. The event does not have to become a treatment exercise; connection and belonging are valid priorities.

After the event, ask privately what made participation easier or harder and whether anything should change next time. Do not conduct a public review of who spoke or use the person’s communication as a story for other guests.

Putting this into practice

Choose the shortest explanation that allows the other person to respond helpfully. Add one or two concrete actions for that setting and a contact for questions. More detail is not always better, especially when the person values privacy.

Notice whether the adult follows the plan over time. A supportive relationship is consistent, includes the person without making speech the focus, and accepts feedback. If an adult repeatedly ignores boundaries, adjust the setting or their role rather than asking the person to manage the problem alone.

Sources and further reading

• SMA — 7 Tips To Help Extended Family And Friends

• Selective Mutism Association Toolkit for Caregivers

• Selective Mutism Association Resources

Related Braverly information

Learn about selective mutism care